When I was a young adult, someone once said to me that a civilization could be judged by how it treats its elders and how it honors its dead. At that point in my life, I thought this insight was extraordinary because it made me reflect on the fact that honor and respect for elders and the dead are aspects of what allows any society or civilization to trust its history and feel proud of its accomplishments. Elders can recall history directly and tell their stories to youth, and while the dead are no longer “instrumental” to their families or society, honoring them allows the living to remember that they too will die and that their lives can go on being meaningful even after death. Honoring elders and the dead permit youth and others to feel and find their place in the arc of time. At least, this is what I thought about the statement, back then.
In 2020, on the other hand, I have seen so many travesties against elders and their dying that I have reassessed how their treatment affects and reflects on all of us, expanding the meaning of their honor. When the COVID-19 lockdown started up, I (like many others) thought it would mean a temporary absence of certain important aspects of social and psychological functioning: children playing together, giving hugs to friends, being able to attend cultural programs and musical concerts, and being able to congregate for personal and professional events, for example. These are major losses in our lives and their restoration date has yet to be promised. But there was something more sinister that has been happening: elders have been allowed to die without oversight from their families, to be alone and isolated and under served, in institutions that were designed to care for them. It seems that almost no one among journalists and celebrities shouting about safety and risk cares much at all about this problem ---- although some doctors like Zach Bush MD and commentators like Charles Eisenstein have spoken out.
Elders who were/are in residential “care centers” (seems like an ironic term right now) and hospitals have been cut off from their families, friends, daily activities, and often from even having a good meal. Those who are in residential care, rehabilitation, nursing homes or hospitals have been deprived of almost all meaningful activities and relationships that give life purpose. Their friends and family are never given the choice to don protective gear (as health care workers do every day) and visit with an elder, even when that person is dying and will never be seen again. Shame on all of us for not raising serious questions about this treatment of elders.
I have a friend in her late 70s who has been an exceptionally successful and creative individual and continues to be so, even under the oppressive circumstances of being in residential care. She had an emotional breakdown in the fall of 2019 that landed her in “assisted living” (not a nursing home, but a homey-looking place that served reasonable meals, offered activities, promised quiet freedom) for her recovery from her crisis. Just before the COVID lockdown, while she was driving from her care center to church, she was blinded by sunlight in her eyes and ended up crashing her car into a tree. She was briefly hospitalized and then sent back to her center for rehabilitation. That’s when the COVID-19 lockdown was just beginning.
Without her car and under the circumstances of recovering from an accident, she was stuck. For more than six months now, she has been in a prison where many services have been curtailed (a few are restored now), many staff have been laid off, meals have mostly been delivered to her room (instead of served in the dining room) cold in plastic containers with plastic utensils. Residents are now allowed to “return to the dining room,” one per table, 6 to 10 feet apart. The residents were always allowed to talk to each other, but were supposed to sit 6 feet apart with masks on. During the lockdown she could have no visitors and now she can only have two visitors at a time, no longer than one hour and they have to sit outside 10 feet apart with masks on.
She has not been ill during these months of lockdown nor has anyone been diagnosed with the virus in her care center. And yet, she has been trapped in these Draconian conditions with no choice but to move out of the center and never return. If she must go out for medical or other reasons, when she returns, she must be confined to her small room for two weeks. She has one adult child who lives in another state, and her husband is deceased, and so, she has no other place to live, even though she has many close friends with whom she keeps up through FaceTime and email. She has been dispirited and angry. Although there is an officially appointed state ombudsman who oversees residents’ rights, my friend does not feel confident that there won’t be repercussions from staff if she reports the many rights she has witnessed as being violated among residents. While her daughter has kept in touch through daily phone calls, there is not a lot she can do for her mother who is in prison without any rights.
This is just one case of someone who is staying in a well-recommended and costly residential care center. There are countless and truly numberless (we never hear about them, do we?) other elders who are stuck in similar environments without oversight or freedom. It has been reported in The New York Times (08/20/2020) that at least 41% of all deaths in the US that are COVID-related have happened in these kinds of residential care centers, not including hospitals. Apparently the disease can spread rapidly in such environments where people have not been allowed to exercise, get outside and breathe fresh air, eat good meals, visit with friends and family, or see their doctors regularly (because doctors and hospitals have been “busy with the virus”). Those who have died have died without any live contact with their families. They have made the transition from life into death without being able to say goodbye or to reflect on what they have offered and whom they are leaving behind. Also, some have not been honored with proper funerals or other ceremonies because of COVID-related restrictions.
As we enter into another season of lock-down and sacrifice for safety and risk, could we simply sit ourselves down and think about what we are giving up as a society that no longer cares for countless elders, no longer sees them as vital to our histories and family relationships, and no longer understands how our dishonor of them dishonors us? I am certain that we can find ways to allow our elders who are in care to be visited (with proper protective gear and proper forms signed) by their caring others and to be fed and clothed and exercised while we also protect ourselves and them from contagion.