Our first responsibility as a parent is to teach our children basic human values—to cherish life, to speak the truth, and to show respect, kindness, and interest in others. The best way to do this is to model these values in our own relationships with our parents, spouse, friends, and elders.
Part of modeling good relationships is to approach them honestly. True love is not an idealized state of perfect bliss—it is ambivalent. Ambivalence arises because a loving relationship includes tolerance and acceptance of the other person's limitations, as well as a commitment to allowing the other person the freedom to be who he or she is. It also requires that we tolerate and accept ourselves and our own feelings, positive and negative.
To enable our children to have fulfilling relationships throughout their lives by teaching them to be honest, respectful, and kind, to share and collaborate with others, to weather disappointment, and to let go of unrealistic desires.
Examine your own relationships — with your parents, your spouse, and your friends. Do these relationships exemplify what you hope to teach your children? What are some of the helpful things your children can learn from your relationships? What are some of the problems?
- Take time to have age-appropriate discussions with your children either about your own relationships or about ways you see other people interacting that are particularly useful or problematic.
- Love means embracing all aspects of relationship — disappointment as well as pleasure, anxiety as well as comfort, aversion as well as affection. Growing up in a family where people express their feelings honestly guarantees exposure to both the pleasures and challenges of love, and models that it is possible to tolerate ups and downs in ongoing affectionate relationships. Children learn that loving relationships can endure difficult or painful times, as long as the underlying commitment is strong.
- Children often look at relationships in terms of how their friends, siblings, or relatives are behaving toward them. It is important to convey that healthy relationships depend on their ability to see their own faults and limitations, too.