The three key aspects of good character—good manners, good conscience, and virtue — are essential to succeeding in life. Although social etiquette, which involves a vast array of complex rules, falls under the category of good manners, the most important aspect of good manners is the underlying principles that guide behavior toward others: thoughtfulness, courtesy, respect, and unselfishness. Conscience is the ability to differentiate between right and wrong; good conscience includes the desire or motivation to do what is right. Virtue describes characteristics that are the building blocks of good moral character: honesty, patience, kindness, courage, gratitude, generosity, and wisdom.
When people act as if they have rights and privileges they have not earned, others will see them as entitled and ill-mannered. Young children often innocently behave in an entitled manner because they don't yet understand the boundaries of their privileges. If parents automatically give in to their demands without setting and enforcing limits, however, children eventually learn that aggressive or disrespectful behavior are what's needed, or expected, to get their way.
To foster good character in our children by teaching, through word and deed, the fundamentals of good manners, good conscience, and virtue.
Use occasions of innocent entitlement in young children to teach the fundamentals of good conscience and good manners. Be clear about the basic moral code you expect them to follow and set an example by following it yourself. Teach them to be polite, and take the opportunity to point out when their politeness has made other people feel good, or has made a potentially difficult situation go more smoothly.
List some of the manners and virtues you have cultivated in yourself that you consider essential to good character. If your children are old enough, they can do this exercise along with you.
- Have them list the manners and virtues they see you put into practice. Discuss these attributes — help them explore why they are important.
- Next, add any manners or virtues you consider essential that weren't mentioned. If possible, give concrete examples that show how you apply them and why they are important.
- Now have your children list the manners and virtues they practice, or would like to put into practice, and why they are important. If appropriate, have them recall a time when their politeness was a factor in making a situation pleasant, when the graciousness of someone else made a difference to them, or when a situation that could have gone more smoothly was instead made more difficult because the people involved didn't practice good manners.
As good conscience develops, your children come to know first hand how robust and fulfilling relationships can be when they are founded on the trust good conscience fosters. In young children, knowledge of right and wrong develops first from rules that constrain inappropriate behavior. Once children have a basic understanding of right and wrong, they must be motivated to choose to do the right thing.
- One of the most common ways to motivate conscientious behavior in children is to have them "try on the other person's shoes" and imagine how they would feel if the situation were reversed.
- In this same vein, when your children are confronted with moral decisions (to lie or be honest, to keep or return something that doesn't belong to them) teach them to pause and imagine what life would be like if everyone chose the way they did — if everyone chose to be honest, or if everyone lied, etc.
- This is especially important when children justify immoral behavior such as cheating or shoplifting by minimizing the action as common or insignificant, for example, by saying "everyone does it, it's no big deal" or "it's a giant store and this is just one tube of lipstick, it won't hurt them." In such cases, work with your children to draw out the big picture so they can see how their choices — negative or positive — affect everyone.
Beyond right and wrong, children need to learn the lessons of living cooperatively and sharing with others so that they embrace the spirit, rather than conform to the letter, of rules that provide for transparency and openness in personal relationships, and in society. Look for ways to cultivate their awareness of interdependence — of all the ways we are dependent on others — and gratitude for what others provide us.
- Mealtimes are an excellent opportunity to explore all of the work and care that brought food to the table.
- If you know that a local park or playground you frequent was built or beautified by neighbors or a local group, encourage your children to express their gratitude or participate in some way to further the effort.