Children taught from an early age that they are exceptional often believe that they must measure up to extraordinary standards and that being anything less than the best or most talented is tantamount to failure. To these children, being a beginner feels humiliating — being ordinary is out of the question. This unwillingness to feel ordinary, unskilled, or less than perfect makes it difficult for them to accept older people as role models. They also reject the milestones or road markers that signal that they are just beginners on the career or parental path, that all accomplishments are a process, and that they have a long way to go before they are expert.
To enable our children to understand that, first and foremost, they are ordinary members of the human race, and that they, like everyone else, start out in life as beginners. They can then recognize that skills and abilities build over time and that developing them to the level of true creative expression takes diligence and patience. Helping our children accept that there are people with greater experience, talent, and skill fosters their willingness to learn.
Many parents believe that their children are "special" or "exceptional." Our society supports this belief by propagating the idea that everyone is a winner deserving of extraordinary opportunities to become an exceptional individual.
- Examine your feelings and attitudes about your children. Do you believe that they are "special" or superior to other children in some way? Think about other children you know. Do they not also possess gifts and talents that your children may not?
- It is fine to acknowledge your child's efforts or talents, as long as you do so in a way that does not set them apart or place them on a pedestal. Ideally, your child will understand:
- That everyone has strengths or talents.
- That being gifted in a particular area does not require that they set or hold themselves to extraordinary standards.
- That their abilities will best serve them when developed and employed in conjunction with the abilities of others.
Many parents tell their children that they are special to boost their self-esteem, believing it will help children feel good about themselves. They also believe it will motivate and encourage children to excel. Unfortunately, children led to see themselves as special end up falling into the self-esteem trap, where they are captive to the expectations of a "special self" that demands that they constantly measure up to extraordinary standards. When they fail, even for a moment, to do so, they are beset by feelings of shame, humiliation, and worthlessness.
- Explore ways to motivate and encourage your children that also lets them know that it is okay to be ordinary and that it is more important to enjoy what you are doing than to strive to be "the best." The joy and satisfaction of "doing" comes from within, unaffected by the opinions of others. In contrast, the pleasure of getting praised for one's work puts our satisfaction in other people's hands.
- Using yourself, a relative, or even a famous artist as an example, explore with your children how a particular skill was cultivated. You can look at:
- What motivated its development.
- The hours of practice or work it required.
- The challenges that were faced and overcome along the way.
- The pleasure of seeing oneself improve.
- Self-Monitoring Activity: Notice Your Reactions.
- When your children are involved in activities they clearly enjoy that are success-neutral (i.e., activities where performance and mastery are not relevant), such as playing contentedly with a favorite toy or relishing a favorite food, notice how you feel. Most likely their enjoyment brings you pleasure.
- Does your response change when your children are involved in activities they enjoy where skill, progress, and mastery are measured, such as reading or playing a musical instrument? In what way does it change? Can you respond as fully to the enjoyment they derive from the activity, or do you also react to how well they are performing it? Do you feel gratified by their enjoyment even if they are not performing an activity particularly well?
- It is possible to encourage children to pursue activities they enjoy simply for the pleasure of doing them. Even when skill and mastery are part of a particular pursuit, you can encourage your children without allowing mastery to eclipse pleasure by pointing out that as they improve (through diligence and practice) they will enjoy the activity even more.
- Encourage your child to chart their own progress.
- If there is a skill your child would like to master, work together to create a chart that will allow your child to see how much they are progressing.