When parents applaud every small effort or praise ordinary accomplishments, children become confused about the realistic assessment of their actions. As time passes, over-praised children lose confidence in their ability to assess themselves. Hearing (and believing) that they are "special" can engender in children a self-importance or superiority that leaves them feeling isolated from family and community, or conversely can foster a debilitating perfectionism in which personal limitations are perceived as defects to be ashamed of, rather than as challenges to be overcome.
Unable to assess their own value and see limitations as a normal part of the human condition, kids fed on junk-praise hunger for admiration and approval—either to support their sense of superiority or to overcome the sense of worthlessness that accompanies the realization that they are not, and never can be, the extraordinary person others believed them to be.
To foster the relational skills and emotional intelligence that will enable our children to experience their talents as an asset rather than a burden and to free our children to accept or overcome their limitations by giving them permission to be ordinary.
To cultivate emotional intelligence, autonomy and compassion for self and others—both in yourself and in your children—follow the six simple practices below, each of which are explained in greater detail in Chapter Six of The Self-Esteem Trap.
Practice 1: Generosity
Generosity — the foundation for all the other practices—means thinking about others, keeping them in mind, and giving to them.
Encourage your children to always be on the lookout for ways to be helpful. Set an example by showing kindness and generosity to others as a matter of course. Volunteering is a wonderful way to give, but it is important to teach children that generosity extends beyond special circumstances — it is a way of life. Experiencing the gratitude of others awakens in us an appreciation of all we've been given.
Practice 2: Discipline
Discipline builds from generosity because in our efforts to help others we must become responsible and reliable. It supports the development of good character (through honesty and kindness) and wise action (through respect and compassion for self and others).
Discipline can be modeled early in childhood through adherence to rituals in daily family life, such as gathering for meals and performing regular chores. Whatever the age of the child, the chore should be one that is important to the family's welfare. Younger children, for example, could be responsible for setting and clearing the table, while older children might plan and prepare a meal one evening a week. Ideally, family rituals would also include weekend leisure activities like picnics, bike rides, or hikes—shared time that everyone can enjoy.
Practice 3: Patience
Patience builds on generosity and discipline because it requires a mindful self-acceptance of our daily life, just as it is. Patience is the willingness to fully experience what is taking place in our senses and our feelings before we act.
Teach your children to be alert to their feelings by encouraging them to recognize and articulate what they are feeling. One easy way to begin is to have the child note the feeling, the accompanying body sensation, and its location (i.e., I feel scared. It is shaky in my tummy). Cultivate patience by taking advantage of stressful moments to join your child in being quiet or still and just experience what's happening. Patience isn't a white-knuckled holding back, but rather the practice of allowing ourselves to become fully aware — and accepting of - our feelings before we speak or act.
Practice 4: Diligence
Diligence, the practice of strong, assiduous effort, depends on patience. When we learn to accept feelings like frustration that may arise in making such an effort, we enable ourselves to become diligent in our pursuits.
Diligence can be cultivated by teaching children to do things properly and well. This includes guiding children to make a careful, serious effort when performing household chores, doing schoolwork, playing a sport, or learning a musical instrument.
Practice 5: Concentration
Concentration is the ability to bring a focused, relaxed attention to whatever we are doing. When we are attentive in a relaxed, matter-of-fact way, we do not tire easily because we are not struggling to remain mindful and engaged.
Concentration is simply the skill of patiently and gently bringing our attention back to whatever we are focusing on when our mind wanders. Children are frequently asked to concentrate when they study but are rarely taught how to do so. There are simple mindfulness exercises you can practice with children to develop concentration. Focusing on the senses is a fun and easy way of developing mindfulness skills in children: during an activity, have children pause to notice ordinary sounds like the ringing of a phone, the call of a bird, or the ticking of a clock; invite children to notice tastes and sensations when brushing their teeth; or have them describe the smells and sounds of coloring with crayons.
Practice 6: Wisdom
Wisdom is a natural culmination of all the other practices — it develops when we engage in work, play, or relationships through these practices.
Wisdom develops when we teach our children to relate to, tolerate, and learn from life's adversity. Teaching and modeling resilience in facing discontent, pain, and difficulty, and accepting them as ordinary companions, forms the roots of wisdom. Cultivating wisdom in our children allows them to encounter any experience, especially painful or difficult ones, as an opportunity to learn about being human.