The desire to do whatever it takes to make our children's lives as enjoyable as possible is rooted in the mistaken notion that happiness fosters self-esteem. On the contrary, difficulty and disappointment are inevitable, and instructive, parts of life. Trying to keep children happy by solving their problems, shielding them from disappointment, or helping them avoid failure robs them of the opportunity to discover that they have the inner resources to handle life's challenges on their own.
Allowing children to experience and overcome adversity builds self-confidence by enabling them to learn that they can trust themselves. Letting them work through challenges on their own also supports their self-confidence by signaling that you believe they have the strength to handle life's difficulties.
To trust your children and allow them to face and overcome challenges, so that they can:
- Develop problem-solving skills.
- Develop self-confidence.
- Develop empathy and compassion for others in difficult situations.
- Learn that they, and the world around them, are not perfect (and it's okay).
1. Being Supportive versus Running Interference.
How do you respond when your child comes to you with a complaint or problem? Do you jump in and try to fix whatever is wrong?
As a parent, it is important to establish criteria for intervention. Needless to say, a situation that threatens the health or safety of a child requires parental involvement. If your child is not in danger, however, examine what your involvement will achieve. Is there a way you can support your child in coping with the situation independently?
2. Recognize Your Discomfort with Your Child's Unhappiness.
It is difficult to see someone we love suffer. But when your child copes with an unpleasant situation, such as being excluded from a social event or being assigned to a teacher they don't like, they discover that they can survive — and sometimes even thrive — in undesirable circumstances. One of the most important parenting skills we can develop is the ability to listen to and empathize with our children when they face adversity, without giving in to our desire to make everything okay again.
Recall a recent situation in which you solved a problem for your child.
- Could you have done something else that would have enabled your child to solve the problem independently?
- Did the outcome affect your child's life in some significant way, or did it simply bring relief from an uncomfortable situation?
- What did your child learn from the experience?
When your child approaches you with a problem, be there to listen and empathize. If your child asks for your assistance, help brainstorm ways that your child can resolve or cope with the situation.
3. Facing Difficulty Awakens Children to the Suffering of Others.
As children gain experience in handling their own challenges, they become more sensitive to the suffering of others. Support your child's natural empathy and desire to help by encouraging participation in age-appropriate community service activities. Reinforce the importance of helping others by undertaking such activities as a family.