endorsements

Endorsements of The Self-Esteem Trap

Reviews

Young-Eisendrath, Polly. The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance. Little, Brown. Sept. 2008. c.272p. bibliog. index. ISBN 978-0-316-01311-6. $25.99. CHILD REARING.

Psychologist and Jungian analyst Young-Eisendrath (Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting To Be Wanted) is onto something big. Those born between 1970 and 2000 (Gen Me-ers), she argues, are a vastly discontented group who find their lives unsatisfying and feel entitled to success owing to an overestimation of what the world will bring. She views this as a cultural problem begun in the 1980s when the collapse of the traditional parental hierarchy coincided with a hyperfocus on self-esteem. Today’s parents offer too much approval and enthusiasm for simply their children’s existence, disrupting kids’ growing abilities to accept realistically both their strengths and their weaknesses, which is the true foundation of self-esteem. Young-Eisendrath sees the solution in a return to being “ordinary,” as this is rooted in “wisdom about our human condition and a knowledge of how we are all connected.” While the text sometimes wanders, it is a pleasure to forgive. This is well written, accessible, soundly researched, and beautifully insightful in the vein of Irvin Yalom (The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy). Easily placed in parenting, social science, or psychology collections; recommended for all libraries.
Julianne J. Smith, Ypsilanti Dist. Lib., MI

The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance, Polly Young-Eisendrath. Little, Brown, $25.99 (272p) ISBN 978-0-316-01311-6

Young-Eisendrath, a Vermont-based Jungian analyst, practicing Buddhist and author (Women and Desire), identifies a “threatening and perplexing problem” she calls the self-esteem trap. Today’s children and young adults are suffering from a number of symptoms, including obsessive self-focus, restless dissatisfaction, pressures to be exceptional, unreadiness to accept responsibilities and feelings of either superiority or inferiority. According to the author, instead of contentment and positive self-regard, kids raised to believe they are extraordinary or “special” are more likely to be unhappy and disappointed. Being “ordinary” and realizing one’s connection to the human community is the real key to happiness, she argues, and cultivating the qualities of generosity, discipline, patience, diligence, concentration and wisdom will lead to children who are self-confident and content. She also warns against parents who “run interference,” protecting their children from inevitable disappointments. Instead, letting kids develop autonomy and experience the consequences of their decisions, she claims, is the way to go. At times, Young-Eisendrath’s scope seems unwieldy, but her message rings true.
Publishers Weekly

Endorsements

"Parents want what’s best for their children, and The Self-Esteem Trap is – finally – the book that delivers. Wise and packed with insight, the book explodes the myths of specialness and self-esteem, replacing them with solid values much more likely to lead to successful children and, even more important, children who turn out to be good people. If you’ve wondered how to cut through our culture´s obsession with perfect children, this is the book for you. The Self-Esteem Trap is also one of the few books I’ve read that approaches religion with open eyes and a broad perspective, with lots to offer both believers and doubters."
Jean Twenge, Ph.D., author of "Generation Me"

"When we focus our attention on ourselves rather than on the world around us, including others, we are inevitably disappointed. We live in a world where we are now raised to attend to ourselves: Narcissism and ennui are the consequences. Dr. Young-Eisendrath wisely points this out as the source of our children’s unhappiness. More importantly she offers sound advice as to meeting the challenge of the self-esteem trap."
Michael Lewis, Ph.D., author of "Shame: The Exposed Self"

"The Self-Esteem Trap is a groundbreaking look at how kids develop a sense of self, and a reassuring guide to help parents on the journey. Insightful, well written, and filled with practical advice, the book helps parents and caregivers understand the age of self-importance we live in today, and crippling sense of entitlement it can create for children. As Dr. Young-Eisendrath points out, we can’t give children self-esteem. It is a gift we must help them give themselves as they struggle and feel the joy of living in personal conscience, core values, and empathy for others."
Michael Gurian, author of "The Wonder of Boys"

"It took 1,000 years for civilization to develop the concept of a ’self’. It took only 40 years to take it to an extreme of self-centeredness. Polly Young-Eisendrath provides a thoroughly delightful exploration as to why compassion and virtue are the necessary ingredients for the development of a healthy balance for ourselves and our children. This book is a sensitive and thoughtful guide to finding harmony in our lives."
Richard Boyatzis, Ph.D., author of "Resonant Leadership" and co-author of "Primal Leadership"

"Incisive, persuasive, practical, and wise. Young-Eisendrath tackles one of the most important of all the questions that will never have a definitive answer: how best to raise a child. She points out the common mistakes good and loving parents make, and gives pithy pointers that all parents can truly use, not just read and admire. An immensely valuable, reliable, and engaging book."
Edward Hallowell, M.D., author of "The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness"

"This is a brave book! Without blaming mothers, broken families, or any of the usual suspects, Dr. Polly Young-Eisendrath challenges the notion that what children most need is to grow up feeling ’special’. The target of her criticism is not so much dysfunctional families as a dysfunctional culture that devalues civility and compassion in favor of becoming someone’s idol. This provocative book by a wise and trusted psychotherapist and educator argues for cultivating the virtue of being ordinary. It is bound to reassure those parents who really want nothing more than to raise children who are loving and capable."
Deborah Anna Luepnitz, Ph.D., author of "The Family Interpreted"

"With wisdom and immense compassion, Polly Young-Eisendrath describes an important problem of our time and gives us ways of resolving it. She writes of the trap of having to be special that baby boomer parents impart to their children who struggle in the end with feelings of inferiority and superiority, never to be satisfied with the ordinary happiness and life that could be theirs. Not since Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child has such empathic insight been shared about children, young adults, parents, and their struggles. But Polly not only understands the plight of children, she also has deep empathy for their parents with their own complicated histories who have found themselves caught in the bind of wanting to bestow self-esteem and honor their children’s unique qualities while at the same time knowing that self-esteem can only be earned through virtue, discipline, hard work, and caring for others. Her book is a readable, thoughtful guide for parents and their children and an eye-opening re-evaluation of some of our most treasured parenting practices."
Sharon Lamb, Ed.D., author of "Packaging Girlhood"

"The Self-Esteem Trap is a truly helpful book on wise parenting. It is full of important and practical lessons for fostering character, virtue, emotional intelligence, and genuine happiness in the next generation."
Jack Kornfield, author of "The Wise Heart"