advice & wisdom

Words of Wisdom written by Polly

The Hidden Treasure of Anger

In many ways, human anger is a treasure. The Greeks called it the “moral emotion” because they noted that animals did not possess it; animals, the Greeks observed, got aggressive and showed fight or flight reactivity. They did not get angry. Humans, on the other hand, could experience and express anger with its inherent reflective component: “I can see/know/feel that someone or something has wronged me.”

As a response to being wronged, anger is a boundary-setter that says, “Stop! I can’t tolerate this,” or, “This isn’t working for me.” It is not blaming the other or shaming the self. Often experienced first as a contraction in the throat, chest, stomach, or abdomen and a clenching of the fist, anger may be associated with the words “I can’t go on like this” seared into the mind.

Anger—sparked by injustice—is at the root of all protest movements, all major processes of change. In our most intimate relationships, when we or our loved ones experience or express anger, it is an opportunity to get to know one another better, to get closer and clearer, and to work with ourselves in a new way. It is an opportunity to ask ourselves, “Why am I feeling this?” “What needs to change here?” and “What do I need to do about it?”

Because anger is expressed at a moment of need, the person expressing it is vulnerable. If, when our partner is angry, we inquire into his need to be seen, treated, known, or held more wholly, dearly, or fairly, we have a chance of accepting our beloved more fully. In our closest relationships, our fate is bound up with the fate of the other. In Buddhist terms, our karma is interwoven and we cannot easily escape feeling the consequences of the beloved’s actions. It is a natural desire for us to want to keep our partner safe or happy, for both selfish and unselfish reasons. But, as a result, we have a tendency to want to control our beloved—and that often creates a sense of being unfairly treated.

Our closest relationships are the most challenging in our lives when it comes to practicing fairness, equality, and kindness. That is because in these intimate relationships, we always begin to get to know the other person (even if that person is an infant) through a process of psychological projection: seeing/feeling/experiencing the other through already familiar views, desires, and ideals. This is especially true in romantic love, where we “fall” in love through an idealizing projection and assume that the other is ideal for us and meets our needs in some particular or general way. When the other person does not do or become what we want, which is always the case, we can easily turn against him with hatred, rejection, or pain. Working with anger skillfully can actually be very helpful in our not doing this.

Anger has unfortunately been confused or conflated with aggression, hatred, or rage—some of its more destructive siblings. Many people make the mistake of pushing away anger, being afraid that it will be destructive if expressed. Some may hyper-value silence as though it were its own virtue. Others may express aggression, blame, anxiety, or rage instead of anger. But if you have the skill to feel your feelings with a gentle acceptance of them), you are less likely to dissociate from your feelings or distance yourself from another in times of anger. You won’t have to hide your anger from yourself and you can learn about speaking it honestly and kindly—and about inquiring into your beloved’s anger at you. Knowing what anger really is, we can appreciate how it allows us to avoid destructive behavior, such as fighting or diminishing others and ourselves. The next time our partner does something we don’t like or the next time she approaches us saying, “I feel overlooked or unfairly treated,” we can begin a process of inquiry that leads to the possibility of accepting differences or changing our actions without blaming the other or having a sense of being blamed.

In order to do this, we need a little wisdom and a few mindfulness skills. To begin, we must remember the first noble truth: life is filled with stress and unsatisfactoriness that are not the fault of anyone in particular. Misunderstandings and oversights are simply part of the muddle of human affairs, especially when we live together on a daily basis and have lots of different needs and perspectives. So when faced with anger—our own or another’s—it’s a good idea to start with a bit of modesty.

We can then make a commitment to watch our own feelings. We will notice how they arise and pass away, no matter how painful or contractive they are, and that we experience them as body sensations, internal images, and internal talk. Over time, we will become familiar with the emotional landscape of anger. My own anger arises with my chest tightening and my throat constricting, and it tends to shape into the inner words: “I can’t stand this,” or something similar. I label it “anger” fairly quickly. Then, I am interested in discovering just what it is that seems unfair to me at that moment. The sense of being treated unfairly should not be overlooked or brushed aside. We will learn from answering the questions: “Why am I feeling this?” “What needs to change here?” and “What do I need to do about it?”

Once we see how our feelings arise and pass away on their own, without our doing anything in particular, then we have true freedom to decide when and if we want to express our feelings in words to another. Of course, even if we don’t express ourselves in words directly, the other person may read our emotion accurately and may choose to question us about it. Knowing how and when it is useful to express our feelings, especially anger, means paying close attention to the consequences of our speech. Often anger is an important motivator to talk about what is bothering us, but we first have to reflect. What happens when we speak anger? What happens when we don’t? Is it possible to speak anger honestly and kindly at the same time? (Yes, it is, but you have to find your own way each time.)

Equanimity, or gentle, matter-of-fact attention to all of our experiences, helps us work with our own and another’s anger. Equanimity means to have an open and relaxed view of what’s happening while getting our “sea legs,” our balance in the midst of being tumbled around. If you can maintain equanimity in the face of your own and your beloved’s anger, then you’ll be able to feel your own feelings and listen to your beloved at the same time. By slowing down your reactivity, you’ll be able to think about the potential consequences of speaking or not speaking in any given moment.

But beware of trying to do all this in a “perfect” way! You cannot get good at delving into the treasure of anger without making mistakes. If you speak out in an aggressive, blaming manner, you can apologize! You can hear yourself speak and say, “I’m sorry. I don’t like what I said there. Let me try again because I love you and I want to understand what is going on.” Similarly, if you defend yourself in a preemptive way and walk away from an angry partner, you can turn around and go back. Apologize. Remember: There is no perfect way to do this. There is only the intention to do it and the attempt to follow that intention.

What is the most skillful intention in relation to anger? In my view, it’s being interested in anger—your own and another’s. True anger is about unfairness, injustice, and intolerable treatment. Inquiring into the source of anger and trying to understand its message is very useful. Using skillful speech is very helpful: use “I” statements, rather than talking about what the other person is doing to you, and speak descriptively about the problem. For example, “It doesn’t work for me when you walk away while I am in the middle of telling you about my difficult day at work, as you did or seemed to do this morning. I want to talk with you about the thoughts and feelings and questions your behavior triggered in me. Okay?”

The most skillful response to this statement would be, “Please tell me about what you experienced and what you thought was going on.” Both of these statements have a tentative tone (a sort of “help me understand what is going on here” tone). At the point that the listener fully understands the speaker (she can check through reflective listening), the listener can then respond with her experience of the event. Frequently, in an intimate relationship various levels of misunderstanding and misperception are at the source of anger. The process of discovering this usually brings the two people closer. They come to see and know each other more completely, even if the source of the difficulty is not fully resolved.

When you’re feeling angry, especially in a close relationship, it’s a good time to practice mindfulness and equanimity, not to dissolve the anger but to become more skillful in mining it. See if you can find ways to speak your anger in words that are both honest and kind; stick to “I” statements and stay away from blaming, recalling that blame is a “fight” reaction, not true human anger. The path of love is a difficult one, in large part because of our natural desire to control the beloved. Anger will loosen that sense of control as we come to know our beloved more fully in times of vulnerability. Love and partnership are trainings in the transformation of suffering into compassion and kindness. They teach us the deep lessons of the first noble truth and they do it in a way that is truly ego-dissolving.

From the March 2010 issue of the Shambhala Sun.

Happiness is Not Guaranteed, But It's a Worthy Goal Anyway

Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D.

There's been a lot in the media lately about "positive psychology," the new field that studies happiness and positive emotions. The gist of its conclusions is that happiness leads to all kinds of health and social benefits. Because I have written about happiness in some of my books, I get invitations to speak about it publicly. When I do I always hear from parents and spouses about how much they'd love to see their children and partners be happier. Of course, most people want happiness for themselves, as well, and often equate it with financial or creative "success." But I’ve been most impressed with the desire we humans have to "give" happiness to others.

I must admit, though, I have also been skeptical of the positive psychology folks out there drumming up happiness because, as a long-time psychologist and psychotherapist, I know that many people first wake up to the meaning of their lives through unhappiness, mistakes, loss, and suffering. I don't underestimate the power of adversity to ring the alarm clock of life. Still, I have been impressed by many of the research findings from positive psychology and have gradually been persuaded that talking about happiness is a useful thing to do.

And yet, I am certain that happiness cannot be pursued directly (you can readily direct yourself to bend down and tie your shoelace, but not to become happy). Like our self-esteem, happiness is the by-product of various things we do, think, say and believe. Yes, there are ways of acting, thinking, speaking and believing that are likely to lead to greater happiness rather than unhappiness, but they don't guarantee happiness.

My preferred definition of happiness comes from the internationally-known American psychologist who has researched "flow experience," also dubbed "optimal experience." Mihalyi Csikzentmihalyi is one of the founders of the positive psychology movement and he defines "happiness" as "the state of mind in which one does not desire to be in any other." Think about it. The definition covers a lot of ground and it means essentially that all your desires are satisfied in that state. When you're happy, you’re "in the zone" and don't need anything about yourself or your surroundings to change.

Everyone wants this kind of happiness and parents especially want to give it their children, but this is an impossible wish. Just as happiness cannot be pursued directly, we cannot give it to others, even those whom we love very much. And while happiness is not guaranteed on any given day, unhappiness is. There are more negative human emotions than positive ones and it’s certainly the nature of human life to encounter suffering, mistakes, loss, illness, old age and death. Most of what happens to us is out of our control and we don't like that one bit. But when you recognize these conditions as universal, you don't have to take your roadblocks and bad days personally — and so, you don't set your standards impossibly high. You start to recognize that, while you are responsible for your actions and speech (and do have important control over them), you are not in control of the results because they exist in a complex environment of other influences. Paradoxically, this insight increases your chances of being in a state of mind in which you don't desire any other.

In my recent book on parenting, I discovered that there is a way to build into our childrearing practices influences that are more likely (than not) to produce young adults who are confident, but not arrogant, optimistic without being unrealistic, and kind – qualities that have been tied to greater happiness. (Optimism and kindness are more important than being famous or wealthy for actual happiness in adulthood.) If we want our children to lead happier lives, we must allow them to face and learn from the ordinary disappointments of life, teach them how to become members of their family and society and species (not expecting to the be center of attention), make sure they know both their weaknesses and strengths (gaining a realistic perspective), and stop feeding them junk praise, such as the widely expressed "great job!" when they do something ordinary like tying their shoes. Junk praise, like junk food, is addictive, and takes the place of really noticing the inherent satisfaction in completing a task. If we want happier children, and if we want to be happier ourselves, we need to recognize our interdependence with all the others around us, always discouraging egotism.

Together, we create the environment in which we live. Our acts of kindness, generosity, courage and love sustain us from the inside out. True kindness creates an on-going atmosphere of interest and curiosity — always giving rise to a certain degree of happiness. For this finding from positive psychology research, I am truly grateful (and happy!).

X-treme Personality Makeover – How to Avoid the Self-Esteem Trap

COOPERATE AND SHARE: To be the most confident and happy person you can be, develop an engaged relationship with the people around you. Focus on your ability to share, cooperate, be empathic, and help others and yourself. This is the most ecological and environmentally friendly approach you can take to life.

AVOID PERFECTIONISM: There’s no way to know whether you are making the "right decisions" for life’s big choices (partner, work, location). Don’t become obsessed with perfection. Recognize instead that you must learn to guide yourself through the disappointments, failures and mistakes that will always be a part of your life, no matter how successful you are.

BE MODEST: Remain modest and open to feedback about your choices, ideals and actions. You need others to help you find your way. You can’t find the answers that you’re looking for in your own head by constantly replaying "What if..."

BE FLEXIBLE: Develop a resilient spirit by recognizing how and when you need to take responsibility in response to adversity, challenge and error. Being the "best" never counts as much as being flexible and able to improve with feedback. Life is demanding, disappointing, challenging, and changing. You will never find "security" or "stability" on a permanent basis because the ground is always shifting under you.

BE PATIENT WITH YOUR TALENT: Patience and diligence are necessary for true creativity. It takes about ten years to become an original contributor in any field. Cultivate your abilities sensibly, recognizing that you won’t make your mark on the world overnight.

BE GENEROUS AND KIND: Any time you have a spare moment, look around and see who needs assistance, support, or care. Don’t dole out help only on special occasions or you’ll miss thousands of opportunities to feel happy as a result of helping.

BE ORDINARY: Good manners, good conscience, and virtue are required to be a regular good person who can be trusted. Sharing and collaborating are essential for developing good character. Don’t look for your own private advantages in life; they won't make you happy.

BECOME A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY: Recognize that your parents, partner, and elders deserve your respect, support, and interest. They are the foundation for your own life. If you help them, your foundation will be stronger. Belonging to a family means more than being born into it. It means contributing to your family’s welfare, celebration, and happiness on a daily basis.

X-treme Parenting Makeover – Ten Guidelines for Healthy Parenting in An Age of Self-Importance

1. YOUR KID IS NOT KING: You’re raising your kid to be a member of the human race, a society, a community, a family – not to be the center of attention.

2. REAL LIFE IS DISAPPOINTING: Learning early to handle disappointments well helps your kid become confident, self-governing and optimistic in a world full of limitations.

3. AUTONOMY IS THE GOAL: Effective self-governance and healthy self-esteem come from knowing our strengths and weaknesses in doing things in the real world and getting feedback, not from excessive encouragement or praise.

4. DON’T FEED YOUR KID JUNK PRAISE: Junk praise (for example, "Great job!" for ordinary activities), like junk food, is addictive and takes the place of developing inner wisdom that is necessary for skillful decision-making.

5. RESILIENCE COMES FROM BEING FLEXIBLE: Don’t protect your child from making mistakes, encountering failures or knowing the limitations (of self and other) that teach us how to be flexible in facing the expectable challenges of life.

6. HELP YOUR CHILD HAVE PATIENCE WITH TALENTS AND CREATIVITY: Diligence and patience are necessary for true creativity to develop; it takes about ten years to become truly creative in any field.

7. KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY BRING THE GREATEST HAPPINESS: Guide your child to be compassionate and helpful to others. Teach your kid to look around and see who needs help, assistance, or support in any moment (not just special occasions). There are countless opportunities to feel happy as a result of helping.

8. GOOD CHARACTER WINS: Good manners, good conscience and virtue are the requirements for good character that provides the best foundation for success.

9. BE AN EXAMPLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: Show respect, kindness and interest in your own parents, partner and elders. If you don’t, your child will not show a lasting interest in elders and other family members, including you.

10. TEACH YOUR KID HOW TO BECOME A MEMBER: Belonging to a family means more than being born into it. All kids should be taught to contribute to the welfare, celebration and cooperation of their families throughout the life span, becoming valuable members.

Relevant Links

"Dear Parents: Please Relax, It’s Just Camp"
New York Times article

"Want to build your child's self-esteem?"
Toronto Globe Mail article