advice & wisdom

Words of Wisdom written by Polly

Happiness is Not Guaranteed, But It's a Worthy Goal Anyway

Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D.

There's been a lot in the media lately about "positive psychology," the new field that studies happiness and positive emotions. The gist of its conclusions is that happiness leads to all kinds of health and social benefits. Because I have written about happiness in some of my books, I get invitations to speak about it publicly. When I do I always hear from parents and spouses about how much they'd love to see their children and partners be happier. Of course, most people want happiness for themselves, as well, and often equate it with financial or creative "success." But I’ve been most impressed with the desire we humans have to "give" happiness to others.

I must admit, though, I have also been skeptical of the positive psychology folks out there drumming up happiness because, as a long-time psychologist and psychotherapist, I know that many people first wake up to the meaning of their lives through unhappiness, mistakes, loss, and suffering. I don't underestimate the power of adversity to ring the alarm clock of life. Still, I have been impressed by many of the research findings from positive psychology and have gradually been persuaded that talking about happiness is a useful thing to do.

And yet, I am certain that happiness cannot be pursued directly (you can readily direct yourself to bend down and tie your shoelace, but not to become happy). Like our self-esteem, happiness is the by-product of various things we do, think, say and believe. Yes, there are ways of acting, thinking, speaking and believing that are likely to lead to greater happiness rather than unhappiness, but they don't guarantee happiness.

My preferred definition of happiness comes from the internationally-known American psychologist who has researched "flow experience," also dubbed "optimal experience." Mihalyi Csikzentmihalyi is one of the founders of the positive psychology movement and he defines "happiness" as "the state of mind in which one does not desire to be in any other." Think about it. The definition covers a lot of ground and it means essentially that all your desires are satisfied in that state. When you're happy, you’re "in the zone" and don't need anything about yourself or your surroundings to change.

Everyone wants this kind of happiness and parents especially want to give it their children, but this is an impossible wish. Just as happiness cannot be pursued directly, we cannot give it to others, even those whom we love very much. And while happiness is not guaranteed on any given day, unhappiness is. There are more negative human emotions than positive ones and it’s certainly the nature of human life to encounter suffering, mistakes, loss, illness, old age and death. Most of what happens to us is out of our control and we don't like that one bit. But when you recognize these conditions as universal, you don't have to take your roadblocks and bad days personally — and so, you don't set your standards impossibly high. You start to recognize that, while you are responsible for your actions and speech (and do have important control over them), you are not in control of the results because they exist in a complex environment of other influences. Paradoxically, this insight increases your chances of being in a state of mind in which you don't desire any other.

In my recent book on parenting, I discovered that there is a way to build into our childrearing practices influences that are more likely (than not) to produce young adults who are confident, but not arrogant, optimistic without being unrealistic, and kind – qualities that have been tied to greater happiness. (Optimism and kindness are more important than being famous or wealthy for actual happiness in adulthood.) If we want our children to lead happier lives, we must allow them to face and learn from the ordinary disappointments of life, teach them how to become members of their family and society and species (not expecting to the be center of attention), make sure they know both their weaknesses and strengths (gaining a realistic perspective), and stop feeding them junk praise, such as the widely expressed "great job!" when they do something ordinary like tying their shoes. Junk praise, like junk food, is addictive, and takes the place of really noticing the inherent satisfaction in completing a task. If we want happier children, and if we want to be happier ourselves, we need to recognize our interdependence with all the others around us, always discouraging egotism.

Together, we create the environment in which we live. Our acts of kindness, generosity, courage and love sustain us from the inside out. True kindness creates an on-going atmosphere of interest and curiosity — always giving rise to a certain degree of happiness. For this finding from positive psychology research, I am truly grateful (and happy!).

X-treme Personality Makeover – How to Avoid the Self-Esteem Trap

COOPERATE AND SHARE: To be the most confident and happy person you can be, develop an engaged relationship with the people around you. Focus on your ability to share, cooperate, be empathic, and help others and yourself. This is the most ecological and environmentally friendly approach you can take to life.

AVOID PERFECTIONISM: There’s no way to know whether you are making the "right decisions" for life’s big choices (partner, work, location). Don’t become obsessed with perfection. Recognize instead that you must learn to guide yourself through the disappointments, failures and mistakes that will always be a part of your life, no matter how successful you are.

BE MODEST: Remain modest and open to feedback about your choices, ideals and actions. You need others to help you find your way. You can’t find the answers that you’re looking for in your own head by constantly replaying "What if..."

BE FLEXIBLE: Develop a resilient spirit by recognizing how and when you need to take responsibility in response to adversity, challenge and error. Being the "best" never counts as much as being flexible and able to improve with feedback. Life is demanding, disappointing, challenging, and changing. You will never find "security" or "stability" on a permanent basis because the ground is always shifting under you.

BE PATIENT WITH YOUR TALENT: Patience and diligence are necessary for true creativity. It takes about ten years to become an original contributor in any field. Cultivate your abilities sensibly, recognizing that you won’t make your mark on the world overnight.

BE GENEROUS AND KIND: Any time you have a spare moment, look around and see who needs assistance, support, or care. Don’t dole out help only on special occasions or you’ll miss thousands of opportunities to feel happy as a result of helping.

BE ORDINARY: Good manners, good conscience, and virtue are required to be a regular good person who can be trusted. Sharing and collaborating are essential for developing good character. Don’t look for your own private advantages in life; they won't make you happy.

BECOME A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY: Recognize that your parents, partner, and elders deserve your respect, support, and interest. They are the foundation for your own life. If you help them, your foundation will be stronger. Belonging to a family means more than being born into it. It means contributing to your family’s welfare, celebration, and happiness on a daily basis.

X-treme Parenting Makeover – Ten Guidelines for Healthy Parenting in An Age of Self-Importance

1. YOUR KID IS NOT KING: You’re raising your kid to be a member of the human race, a society, a community, a family – not to be the center of attention.

2. REAL LIFE IS DISAPPOINTING: Learning early to handle disappointments well helps your kid become confident, self-governing and optimistic in a world full of limitations.

3. AUTONOMY IS THE GOAL: Effective self-governance and healthy self-esteem come from knowing our strengths and weaknesses in doing things in the real world and getting feedback, not from excessive encouragement or praise.

4. DON’T FEED YOUR KID JUNK PRAISE: Junk praise (for example, "Great job!" for ordinary activities), like junk food, is addictive and takes the place of developing inner wisdom that is necessary for skillful decision-making.

5. RESILIENCE COMES FROM BEING FLEXIBLE: Don’t protect your child from making mistakes, encountering failures or knowing the limitations (of self and other) that teach us how to be flexible in facing the expectable challenges of life.

6. HELP YOUR CHILD HAVE PATIENCE WITH TALENTS AND CREATIVITY: Diligence and patience are necessary for true creativity to develop; it takes about ten years to become truly creative in any field.

7. KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY BRING THE GREATEST HAPPINESS: Guide your child to be compassionate and helpful to others. Teach your kid to look around and see who needs help, assistance, or support in any moment (not just special occasions). There are countless opportunities to feel happy as a result of helping.

8. GOOD CHARACTER WINS: Good manners, good conscience and virtue are the requirements for good character that provides the best foundation for success.

9. BE AN EXAMPLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: Show respect, kindness and interest in your own parents, partner and elders. If you don’t, your child will not show a lasting interest in elders and other family members, including you.

10. TEACH YOUR KID HOW TO BECOME A MEMBER: Belonging to a family means more than being born into it. All kids should be taught to contribute to the welfare, celebration and cooperation of their families throughout the life span, becoming valuable members.

Relevant Links

"Dear Parents: Please Relax, It’s Just Camp"
New York Times article

"Want to build your child's self-esteem?"
Toronto Globe Mail article